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26th May 2006

6:57am: Kia oro and
Sorry for bneig so quiet for so long, but things ahve been kind of rough on me. I just want to let everyone know that I'm allright..after my uncle died, I was pretty messe dup, but I it gave me a chance to do what I wanted to do for a long time. I would of missed him to much if I just left before, but after fixing things with the estate and everything I had nowhere to go and so I'm in New Zealand.

I don't know yet if I will stay but I'm probalby going to do everything I wanted to do the first time I was ehre, only without any fear or guilt. And since Wayne left me pretty much everything, I am not going to have to lift a finger to support myselrf for a long time. It's a mixed bag of feelings, since I would give everything back if I could have my uncle again, and everything I had before. He was like my father, so much like his brother and so much like a father in his own right. But I'm doing what he wanted me to do, so I think I can be okay and happy. :o3

I might keep in touch here, but I might just disappear for a long time till I know more about myself worth sharing. i'm sorry if I'm been a lousy LJ friend for a while but I just never thought to log in when I had so much to think abuot and do, maybe that means I'm not the journalling tpye in the first place? I don't know.

Haere ra, for now. Tek care :o3
Current Mood: okay

27th February 2006

11:29pm: Last night aws awesome, the guys came over to jam like usual, but after we started playing things kind of disintigrated into a big party for my birthday. :o3 I was feeling kind of depressed before that, kind of for the last month at least, and I reeally felt better after last night. I haven't felt like doing anything at all, I've been avoidng contact and stuff, and now all I want to do is get on a plane and go visit family or go to NZ. Wayne says it's the weather probably gives me the blues, but I don't know. I just know I was feeling like shit.

Still working on the accordian. It was so fast to pick up at first but now I feel like my fingers just can't keep up with the music. I remember the day I broke through that wall on the guitar, I was so excited i could have wet myself!! But I'm still bouncing off my accordian ceiling.

And I have been sketching a lot lately. Nothing like the stuff I post here, a lot of experimenting with different styles. Nothing I like yet, I alwyas feel like I'm just ripping somebody off, but I gotto do something to break out of this rut. :o3
Current Mood: okay

28th January 2006

10:56pm: I am so fucking bored. I can't sketch worth shit right now, and I'm not even sure my coloring's going well for that matter. I tried to call my kiwi cat, but his hpone just rang and rang. I went up to the cities, not for any good reason but just because I couldnt' stay at home any more, and almost picked up some chick at a Starbucks. not because I liked her but just because I'm so damn bored.

I don't know whats' wrong with me.
Current Mood: bored

17th January 2006

9:47am: new art!! (sort of!)
I have a lot to say but I also have a lot to do so I'll make this short and sweet. :o3

I havn't really had much chance to finihs any art laetly but I did get the joy of working on a little joint effort with blackteagan> featuring one of the characters from the Secret Project. I lost my red sketchbook with my Phtoobucket password so I'll just link the old fashioned way. ;o3

Kipling by Black Teagan and me! (But mostly Teagan, I just helped color it.)
Edit: not work safe ;o3

I really wish I could make my way out to FurCon again. I can't believe it's been a whole year now of furriness. I still feel like such a newb!! I'll be sending my art prints ou t anyways to enjoy the con for me, foxfeather was so kind as to offer to table it, along with fantastic art by blackteagan. Make sure to check it out!!

Have a great con all you people!
Current Mood: optimistic

14th January 2006

4:40pm: 2005 questions
Foudn this set of questions on (lj user="surfingotter">'s journal, and couldn't resist...

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Current Mood: happy

6th January 2006

11:51pm: Best roatrip ever!! :o3
This is so random, we're in Orlando Florida!!

Wayne gave me the accordian for Christmas, and I thought that was amazing. But on New Yearws Eve he said he had a surprise for me, and made me close my eyes and put one of those mouse ear hats on my head. I totally didn't get it, I thought maybe it used to be my dad's, but when I took it off to look at the name, the tickets to Disneyworld fell out!! :o3

I used to live pretty near Disneyland, and my frields who had been to Disneyworld said I had to go, but I never thought I would. And WOW, can I just say, I can't beleive I'm here!

We thought we were going to get trapped in Tahoe. I was secretly hoping we would, at least until FurCon). But the weather cleared enough for us to skadaddle, and we drove out here. Wayne's, when he goes places he doesn't want to just get there, he wants to see things. I guess I relate, but he doesn't want to eat Mickey D's or even Carcker Barrel (not so bad, imo), he has to get off the highway and go into some tiny town and find some tiny place with some hicks working there. Sometimes it's cool, sometimes there's that banjo music in the back of my head. It's hard to get Wayne back on the road if he gets to talking.

I don't even know where we went. I do know that I lost my sketchbook, somewhere in Texas(?) I think, but it might have been Oklahoma. I just sketched a whole series of Route 66 theme dthings, kind of a 'romance on the road" kind of thing, and was going to send it to Cat for a thankyou gift, but I guess I have to start over. This is the first sketchbook I started really sketching good, and has the ruff outlines for all my stuff for the last year. Anyway, Wayne tried calling places where we ate, and nobody saw it. Wayne says some poor hick in some poor tiny town probably popped his eyes right out of his tiny head and died of a heart attack.

We talked like nonstop on this trip. I think spending Christmas with my mom made both me and Wayne remember my dad a lot, and Wayne told me every story he could think of about him while we drove. I told him a few he didn't know too. He told me about his lady friend in the Cities, and I told him all about Cat. He's so cool. Minnesota sometimes kind of gets me down, but I decided I don't want to move while Wayne's there. And omg, did I tell you he rented a PT Cruiser for the trip? I drove most of the way, after I told Wayne his driving scares the shit out of me, and I so want a PT now.

And a big thing, my mom and sister and me did not argue once the whole time. I mean, little things, but nothinng like we used to. It was nice.

Tomrorow we are going to the Magic Kingdom! I haven'been this excited in ages!! :o3
Current Mood: surprised

31st December 2005

9:20pm: early new year resoolutions and update
Okay, usually I do this at midnight, but I'm not staying on the internet any longer than I have to. :o3

In New Year 2006, I will:
- be honest with myself and ohters
- make more art
- go back to New Zealand if I can
- leanr the accordian (sorry, Cat!!) :o3
- get over being shy if I can
- go back to church

Honesty: Since we spent the week togther, I told my mom and my sister I was gay. My sister says she already knew, and my mom took less time to get use to it than I thought. It was WAY easier than I thought.

Art: Already workking on it!!! :o3

New Zealand: I forgot to post the pictures, sorry. Some are pretty good!! :o3 And by the way, I spent the whole time with Cat, the diving instructior I met on my first trip. I know he is not like me, I want a long term exclusive relationship with one person, and he is such a creature of conveniance. But we had such a good time that even if I never see him again, I could almost die today and be happier than I have ever been.

Accordian: I tried playing this a few weeks back when the guys were over on Sunday, and my fingers jsut seem to get it. Guitar is HARD. Accordian just seemed easy, it just made sense. I know a lot of people hate it, and it's just as hard to sing playing the accordian as the guitar, but wow, I felt like I had taken lessons as a kid or sometihng, even if I didn't.

Shy: This still depends on who I meet. Strangers are still kind of hard to talk to, Wayne's friends are easy and their families are also easy, and the thought of meeting a big new group of people scares the SHIt out of me.

Church: I don't know how to deal with God right now. My mom says her church isn't as rigid as my aunt's church, where almost made me hate church alltogether. I still consider myself a Christian, but sometimes I have to wonder about the whole thing. Honestly I sometime stay up nights almost crying because I was raised to believe in God's word, but even before I knew I was gay I experienced doubt in the literal truth of the Bible. If you can't believe some of it, can you believe any of it? But we know that alot of the history from the Bible is dead accurate. I am struggling. I will keep struggling, and listen to the message from church and listen to my doubts. I might not figure it out, but I will think about it instead of denying it.

That's it!

Current Mood: hopeful

18th December 2005

4:43pm: I just had the best month of my life ever, EVER, and I came home filled with hope, possibilities, amazement, love, and desperate to keep the high. I wanted to make new art, to save money and rtavel more, start trying to move to NZ and everything.

Now I am home and its' minus 100 or something outside, but that didn't dampen my spirit. I went and read my LJ from when I first got it, and that didn't either, how much I've changed and grown in the last year! And how bad my typing is. ;o3

But then I started reading my friends page and realized how godo I really have it. My problems are like nothing compared to the first 25 posts of my friends list. It didn't exactly make me feel better, though, and I went to go curl up in a ball under the covers. Wayne must have noticed because he started playing christmas songs on the guitar, bluegrass style, and that reminded me the guys are coming over tonight to decorate the tree and jam. I and suddenly I feel pretty good agian, and played with him for a while before he went out shopping.

I am going to be on an emotional roller coaster for the holidays, I can't help it. I should probably avoid the compurer and just keep sketching. I filled most of a small sketchbook while I was in NZ and almost think I'm not afraid of pencils anymore. And when I sketch I feel like I'm in control of my life, I can feel this energy coming through the page, up my pencil and filling me with good energy. Does anybody else ever feel like that?

I got Wayne the coolest thing in NZ for Christmas, I hoope he likes it... :o3
Current Mood: weird

17th December 2005

1:17am: home!!!
Oh my God, that was one hell of a trip. :o3 I putoff my return as long as I could, but I promised I'd see my mom for Christmas so I had to come back. I was thinking about staying in NZ forever, if I could of swung it. Holy shit it is cold here.

I guess I'm not going back anytime soon unless I make more money out of the blue, but that's not likely. I don't have any customers knocking down my door right now, nobody wants their house painted in the middle of winter I guess. Some of my prints sold at the con but not nearly enough to fund another trip, I hear that originals do well but I can't put JPEG's in the art show.

It was too long since I saw my sister and I even kind of missed my mom, so the half day together was nice but not enough. Uncle Wayne rented a cabin in Tahoe or Mammoth somehwere up in the mountians, and my mom and sister are going to drive out to meet us there for Christamas and new Years. Wayne wants to fly out there then rent a car to drive to L.A. and back out, Mom keeps trying to get him to fly into Oakland, pick them up and drive to the mountains together, but Wayne told her he can't spend four hours in a car with her. Hes so subtle! :o3

omg, I'm rambling, and I havent' even talked about my trip. Maybe I'll put some pix up and say how it went. now I have jet lag, and going back to sleep. :o3
Current Mood: cold

15th November 2005

11:01pm: Kia ora!
Well, I'm off to En Zed!! :o3

If the weather lets me go. It's snowing! My undle says this is nothing, but snow scares the shit out of me, especially since I dinged up his truck already once. I will go get on my plane and dig my claws into the little armrests and hope to god that the thing doesn't crash. Then its off to San Francisco for a layover to see some family, I haven't seen in a long long time, and off!!

If I head known that the fur con was coming up, I might ahve booked the trip a little later, but I have a very good reason to rush down to NZ. I'll tell you more when I get back, but I am a very very happy otter. :o3

I had some new art to share, but I can't 0[[en up the files for some reason. I'm too nervous about the trip anyway, I'll do it when I get home.

See ya!! :o3
Current Mood: ecstatic

3rd November 2005

11:21am: good days
I told Unlce Wayne I wanted a camera to take to NZ, and he brought out a digital camera I didn't know he had! He's going to let me take it :o3 I've been playing with it and I am not a very good pohtographer. But I'll keep at it so I have some better photos on this trip, the last time I went I had disposable cameras and the pictures they took, were disposable.

Sunday was a good jam!! :o3 all the guys came, we had a huge game barbecue and played almost all night. I'm playing guitar most of the time now, but I still don't really sing worth anything. One of the guys was talking about hunting and trapping. I asked him what he hunted and he said almost anything, and saidt furbearer season just started, should be getting some nice otter. What do you knwo, I'm in season! :o3 Then he told me that trout season was over Septmeber 30. Whoops.

Uncle Wayne is dating some lady from the cities and seems a lot healthier. I think maybe whatever was making him sick was in his head or his heart.
Current Mood: giddy

28th October 2005

10:26pm: Uncle Wayne came home a while ago with trunkfull of alchool and he's been teaching me to mix drinks. He's depressed about something but won't talk about it, and so I'm depressed too. Alcohol always does that to me, especially if I'm drpressed to start with. And I had a lot of it, and I feel a little weird right now. I was trying to sketch but I can only draw things I'm looking at, so I can make a very nice picture of a chair but not the things I' msupposed to be working on,

I've been workign very hard on things I have to do lately. But I have been having the harsedt time just coming up with things to draw for my own pleasure, like the sutff I normally post here. You know, for every picture I complete I throw away maybe forty or fifty sketches. But when I get on a role, I just sketch and sketch. But not lately.

So help me out here! What should I draw? What do you wanan see? :o3

21st October 2005

11:03am: Top Secret!
Yay, ART!!

One of the reasons why I haven't been posting much art is that I've been wokring on this project with blackteagan which is Top Secret. I'm not alolwed to talk about what it is exactly, BUT!! He said I could post some of the art for it just to tease you all. So here!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

(click for NOT WORKSAFE VCL version with detachable loincloht!!)

His name is Mesmo.

I got my New Zealand tickets in the mail. OMG. I'm so excieted I might explode!! :o3 I realize now that as much a I miss the country I also miss Cat. I emailed him again last night because I couldn't sleep. He still hasn't responded but I guess he's probably off on another dive expedition since he's not the sort of just ignore emails. I found his address in the online yellwo pages and who knows? Maybe if he doesn't reply before I go there I'll juts show up on his doorstep. Is that creepy? Should I care? >;o3

I got a new AIM account also since people keep telling me yahoo is old fashioned?(!) He used to be on there occasionally so maybe I can catch him when he sneask on to check mail. I'm barbecuedtrout on there in case any of you use it too!! :o3
Current Mood: devious

19th October 2005

Uncle wayne just called!! :o3

He didn't win

But the party is still going on, so I'm going over for a while. I guess losing the lottery is no excuse to stop a winning party.

But shit, I alreayd bought my tickets to New Zealand. I wish he told me before he lost that he wasn't going to win, now how am I going to afford my trip? Ig uess I'll make do somehow! :o3
10:46pm: Uncle Wayne bought $200 of Powerball Tickets and is over at some friends house to celebrate winning. He says he never bought a ticket before, but just had af eeling about it this time, and says when he wins he will give me half.

Cool!! :o3

Anyone know when the nubmers get drawn?
Current Mood: excited

7th October 2005

5:26pm: Oh deer!
NEW ART!! :o3

No, not painting, I kind of gave up on that for a while. I thought I was doing okay, but I would walk awya from a painting and come back a few days later and go "oh my god, what have I done?" I need a computer to edit!

Oh, and BE CAREFUL! do not clcik unless you are over the age og consent for whatever place you live blah blah blha. ;o3

I am prince here!

...inspired by plushlover and his pile o' Bambi. Hope you like him!! :o3

25th September 2005

7:25pm: Im really restless lately. I finished my last job and thought aobut advertising but I really need a break. I bet I could get more work if I just asked around. I don't know if I wnat to.

The guys are not coming over tonight, Uncle Wayne is feeling sick. And that is scary. He goes to the doctor every two weeks now and won't talk about what is wrong. He started paintnig, I think he used to paint but now he paints all the time. Not painting houses like me, but landscapse and people. I watched heim for a while a few weeks ago and he's okay, he has a good eye, but I could see he does not understnad paint and it frusterates him. And so I asked if I could try, and he was happy I wanted to, and I discovered that I have some skill with a paintbrush. Schock! I like using the computer and always will ,but I have started painting a little bit too. Maybe if I ever really like something I finish I'll put a picture up here, but there are no animals yet. just landscapes.

I got a phone call from my ex last week and it made me so mad I jumped on the bike and went to Idaho, then came back. She called twice while I was gone and Wayne asked her never to call again. What the hell is her problem?

And I'm thinking more and more about that trip to NZ. It must be spring there now, and I want to go find my fishing cat. Maybe I am only crazy, but I want to see him again.
Current Mood: horny

25th August 2005

9:22am: Oh yeah Livejournal :o3

I haven't been too busy to post, just too bored and boring.


Click the picture to visit the OMG UNCENSORED version on VCL! This is dedicated to Foxfeather, who took my binder to Anhtrocon and sold some prints for me!! :o3 She has two shiba inu dogs, neither posed for this picture.

I forget how much I like doing real art things, I have been so busy. I hvae not seen Fox for a long time and I barel yfeel like I get to talk to uncle Wayne anymore, except sundays of course, and even then there are all the guys there.

I'm almost done painting for my last word of mouth clinet, and I don't know if I'll start being a legintimate business or just run to New Zealand for vacation. I deserve one! Now if only I could get in touch with my poor lost dive instructor, I would get on a plnae tomorrow.
Current Mood: busy

30th June 2005

1:09pm: Anthrocon!
I wanted to go to Anthrocon, but I decided to stick around and keep socking aside money for my trip to New Zealand. I spent so much on the painting stuff that set me back quite a ways.

Foxfaether offered to agent my prints at AC!! :o3 I have been tyring to get them to look right on my uncle's printer, and some of them look good and some f them look kind of liney, so I might have to take them somewhere. I

So look for Fox's table and flip through my binder. I hope furs like them! I really wanted to get some new art done before sending t off, but I have no time!!

Mrf, lunch is over and I forgot to eat lunch.
Current Mood: excited

20th June 2005

12:31am: I look like an otter!
What a long weekend. I have been looking and looking for Brokteail's poor bird, and I think I have to give up. Foxfeather has been os forgiving and understanding, but and then again it's not her bird. I am worried how poor Broketail will feel when he gets back to America and finds out. :o{

And as for me, well I hvae been busy! Once I finished repainting the house, I started right away on one of Wayne's friend's house. Since then two more called asking if I'd do theirs. I bought my own compressor and am thinking of hiring somebody to help me. I make only a littlm ore than what I was making in California, but it feels nice being in charge! :o3

I was thinking of going to Anthrowcon, but it would cost me a bundle and my uncle's birthday is that weekend too. I should stay here and save my money. Maybe next year I'll go.

I went to the city the other day and was in the bookstore talking to the girl at the register, and she asked me if I liked otters. I must have looked shocked, I looked down at my T-shirt but it wasn't my otter one. I couldn't answer, and she said "nevermind." Then I said, "hey, how do you know?" She said, "You look like an otter!" :o3
Current Mood: cheerful

9th June 2005

8:01pm: R.I.Peetey :o{
Oh my God, I killed broketailred's parrokeet. Or I lost him out the window by accident, but I bet he's dead. I went over to Foxferther's place, she was taking care of the bird while Broketail is out of town, and I took him out of his cage. Fwoop, out the window. I spent all day looking for him, walkign around, over to the park, ut by the interstate, took my motorcycle too, and nothing. :o{

I'm such a klutz. I'm going to go bcak tomorrow and try again, just in case. I was looking forward to meeting Broketail, but now I'll bet he kills me, if Fox doesn't first. Maybe Mr. Peetey will find his way home, I can only pray.
Current Mood: distressed

9th May 2005

12:49am: Not much to report
I guess I have been busy again. Me and Uncle Wayne finished building the room, and I geuss we did pretty good because it almost looks like it belongs to the house! :o3 And of course once I painted my room, he decided he wanted me to paint the rest of the house as well. For once in my life I really feel like I might be able to afford to move to New Zealand someday! But no email back yet from Cat, so maybe I got it wrong after all.

Wayne kicked the guys out early tonight, he has another doctor appointment in the monring. I asked him what's going on and he just said it's 'getting old stuff", has to have annual tests, that kind of thing. I called Mom to wish her a happy mothers day, and she talked forever, and then she talked to Uncle Wayne for a long time too. I guess they used to be good friends when Dad was alive.

I'm still struggling with the guitar. I think I either need to practice more or stop deluding mysefl that I can play.

And yesterday I had a great day! I met foxfeather to see a movie and hang out. I had the best time, she's hilarious!! And inspiring. I have a bad habit of thinking I will only m ake a living if other people hire me. She is always thinknig of things to do. She says I should get into selling in in the furry market, that I should go to cons, that my art would do well there. Well, hey, I might give it a try, she makes it seem so easy! :o3 Then agian, can I trust somebody who likes Minnesota mexican food? (Sorry Fox!!)
Current Mood: great!

30th April 2005

2:13am: Hitchikers Guide
My uncle as it turns out really is a geek! :o3 Not in a bad way, but still, he surprised me. We went to the city to see the new movie, Hitchikers Guide To The Galaxy. He said the local theater had a shitty sound system so we made a day of it. and all day he wore a bathrobe to be like Arthur, and carried a towel. Every time somebody in the movie used their towel or said 'towel", he waved it over his head. I didn't want to show up at the movie theater with him looking like that, but he said just wait, everybody will be doing it. Yeah. They were'nt. :o3 Lucky we were almost alone in the theater, it was a matinee. He wanted to stay and see the later showing too, and since he drove us to the city I was kind of stuck, so I went to a restaurant and sketched for a while. I asked him if he saw other towel wavers there and he said no., he should have flown to California for the opening, because nobody else here understood.

I feel kind of bad for him, but I guess I have to admire his guts. I want to draw something from the movie for him, but I don't know what. Probably a vogon, since every time I try to draw people they come out looking like Vogons anyway. :o9

It was a good movie, I thoguth, but I have'nt read the books. Wayne says I can't leave the house again until I do. I;m a very slow reader, so I guess I'm stuck in for a while!!
Current Mood: embarrassed

24th April 2005

4:01pm: Should ould acquaintance find my email
Well, my uncle had to go to the city for some medical thing, so there's no music tonight. I thought about going over to one of the guys house who offered to help with my guitar, but I am in a wierd mood and want to stay in and do nothing. :o9

I got an email from Katy, who is just like "Hi, I was thinking about you, how is it going, how are you?' kind of thing. Funny. She never knew this email address, how did she find it?? Either she asked somebody or she searched onliie or...well, it adds up to that she is not just casually trying to say hello. And since I don't want to say hello, especialy because it bugs me that she tracked me down, I don't want to bother answering her. Is it possible she found me through Livejournal? If so, hi Katy! Hif you can read this, you're too close.

But her email made me want to get in touch with Cat. Cat is my nickname for the diving instructor I met in NZ because he reminds me of a fishing cat, which reminds me of OTTERS!! :o3 I haven't talked to him since I left and I lost his email so I spent two hours trying to think of it today, and I think I remember it so I sent an email and now I'm biting my nails hoping it was the right one!! I don't know what I'm ohping for, maybe nothing, but I just want to hear from him I guess. And not Katy.
Current Mood: moody

18th April 2005

1:48am: Uncle Wayne is not a hick
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Current Mood: exhausted
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